If I create another edition of Motivate Your Son, I would focus more on anxiety. Teen boys have far more anxiety than would be expected. "Posing" as not caring about school is the pervasive social stance taken by middle and high school boys. Telling their friends that they are anxious about school is one step up from confessing their love of ballet. It's not going to happen.

Within the book, I described different "types" of boys. Of the nine types described, two stand out as having a disproportional amount of motivation issues: Adventure Boys and Go With The Flow Boys. I'll use each to illustrate how such boys cope with anxiety.

Adventure Boys crave freedom (and fun). On the surface, their hyper-energized, attention challenged, and "up" personality belies a level of anxiety beneath the surface. The craving for fun and escape from the mundane appears to be related to rules, structure, and other external forces. Not being able to focus long enough for effective studying seems to be a reaction to escaping from something outside themselves. Partially true. But the root issue is escaping from their own internal anxiety.

Go With The Flow Boys crave peacefulness - or what they might describe in teen vernacular as "being chill". These relaxed types appear easy going - usually too easy going in relation to school! - but part of the reason is that they want to escape the anxiety of anything that causes stress. 

When I work with both types, I am mindful that despite their "posing" most are anxious and that part of my role is address those issues.

A friend called with a common dilemma: her teen boy was not pushing himself in school. He was smart and his 8th grade math teacher recommended that he take an honors math class next year.  He said "no" - too much work. My friend wondered if she should just force him to take the class, particularly because his school "tracked" students.  Those who took 9th grade honors were eligible for 10th grade honors. Those that did not were not eligible for 10th grade honors. 


My simple answer: "yes".  Her teen boy is too young to make significant decisions that could affect his future.   

There is a different question: after forcing him to do something he doesn't want, you should spend time figuring out how to "get buy-in".  You don't want your son self-sabotaging himself to either proving he was right or to get back at you. That's where learning how to motivate your son comes into play.

The Old World of Work is established companies, secure jobs, employment based.

The New World of Work is start-up, free lance, entrepreneurial based. 

Right now, both exist and The Old World of Work will be part of the current world of work for a decade or two more. But the percentage shift will start to tilt toward the New World of Work. 

Why might that be good for your unmotivated teen boy? Because school structure provides excellent training for corporate structure. Stay in the lines and stay in line. Arrive on time. Leave when told. Due dates. Raise your hand. Stop talking.  

None of those paradigms work for the energetic teen boy who seems unmotivated in school when in reality it might be that school is not motivating him.

Now comes the twist... school is the world as it is. Your son has to learn to deal with such structure because it is his present job and will also be the main way that he gains entrance to college of his choice.  (As of now, there really are very few good alternatives to college for the majority of 18 year olds). 

So, he does have to learn to do well in school.

But unlike the past where the post-school reward would be life within the IBM-like grid of corporate school, the New World of Work provides the potential for freedom that did not exist in such quantity prior to the work revolution that was started in the Internet days was pushed forward through globalization and heightened due to the recession. 

He will be able to create his own work future.  

There is a catch. He will need to position himself to take advantage of the promise of the New World of Work. How so? Skill development/contacts/credentials.  With those in place, he could create his own Facebook/YouTube/Twitter/SnapChat/Instagram and any mini-version of a company that started with a couple of young guys who had an idea.  Freedom awaits. But he'll have to work to get that freedom.

This is not an anti-marijuana rant.  Intellectually, I'm hard pressed to delineate why drinking should be legal but smoking marijuana should not.  When I teach a college course on Controversial Legal Issues, I usually find myself silently agreeing with the legalize pot students.  But, here's the twist, as much as I abstractly can't see delineating the difference between legalizing booze and criminalizing pot, I can't help but be ardently against pot smoking.  

This is in part due to my bias.  I grew up in a time when athletes drank and burn-outs smoked pot.  I never smoked pot and was never tempted to do.  I also was a criminal prosecutor.  But, neither is the real reason why I am so vehemently opposed to pot smoking.  The real reason stems from seeing so many teens get lost in the fog of regularly smoking pot.  

"I want to motivate my son but all I find myself doing is nagging."

The world of the freedom loving teen is tough from their perspective.  Teacher-bosses all day long in school and parent-bosses at all other times.   "Can you talk to me without nagging?" That's what is on your teen boy's mind.  Or, more precisely, "here comes the nagging, blah, blah, blah..."

I know it well.  I try not to reference my own children out of deference to their privacy.  But, I have a distinct sense when my teen son has tuned me out.  I realize during those moments that I have to catch myself and simply talk to him.

So I do.  And, I suggest that you try as well.  

Not really.

Let me explain, I am definitely not against consequences and sometimes very tough consequences.  Punishment is very effective to stop bad behavior. It does not, in my estimation, do much to encourage good behavior.

I should lead with the following: I was a criminal prosecutor in Philadelphia.  That's how I started my career.  So, I am fully versed on the need for punishment as a deterrent to prevent misdeeds.  Teen boys will stop talking back when the consequences are significant enough.  Behaviorism - the carrot and stick approach - works well at lower levels.  

You will be punished if you don't get good grades doesn't seem to work as well as positive rewards for good grades.  So, I suppose behaviorism does work reasonably well in the affirmative direction but not so much the other way.  This is based on my informal study of a couple thousand students over the years.  

Neither work as well as pushing the motivational triggers within one's core motivational pattern.     

Yes.

Or more precisely, some sense that the meaning of life or the meaning in life matters. 

I have conversations with young adults that sometimes surprise the parents of these young adults.

"Why does this matter?"  That's usually the question related to inconsequential school work.  The question sometimes leads to why does anything matter?


I engage in these conversations because it makes a difference.  The phrase "existential angst" is not limited to French novelists. Teens - perhaps especially teens - wonder why they are doing things they don't enjoy. That saps motivation.

Your faith is your business.  Whether you believe in God or intelligence in the universe or the spiritual world is similarly your business as well.  I never preach and keep my own beliefs closely guarded when I speak with young people.  

But, I do try to draw out the beliefs in my clients.  I've learned that when they care about something beyond or even if they simply think that life in the here and now matters, regardless of the hereafter, they shift their entire motivational framework.

Do you have a teen boy who has a strong personality?

So strong that he fights battles to assert control? 

Does he "go too far", as in pushing past limits that you set?

I use the term "Boss Boy" to describe teen boys who type as Enneagram Point 8s.  I describe more fully in the book.

A suggestion: watch ESPN's 30 for 30 documentary on Brian Bosworth.  If you remember "The Boz", you might recall the brash Oklahoma Sooner linebacker.  Brash is too mild.  He was a wild man.  It led to some great things.  He was a tremendous college football player.  He was an inspiring leader.  He used his energy to help his team win.  His big personality also led to some trouble.  He was suspended for taking steroids.  He wrote an autobiography that made the Sooner football program look out of control. In doing so, he alienated not just his teammates but also his coach, Barry Switzer, who was his life mentor.  There's more to the story.  But, I'll let you enjoy the full tale.


The lessons, however, stem from a now 50 year old Brian Bosworth commenting on his 18-21 year old self.  "The Boz" was not emotionally developed.  The current version of Brian Bosworth distances himself from "The Boz".  It is incredibly poignant to watch this now emotionally healthy man discuss his younger self.  He is filled with regrets for the variety of harms he caused others.  


Definitely worth watching with your son. 

"It's his choice if he wants to mess up his life." So said a father from Glastonbury, CT.  His son, Austin, was unmotivated and floundering in school.  Austin mother sat quietly.  The parents had obviously had a disagreement over the issue. 

Austin's father continued: "We've tried everything.  We've grounded him for doing bad.  We've rewarded him for doing good.  We've taken away his things. He just doesn't care.  He's affected our house too much.  Too much fighting.  We've had it. He can graduate, get a job, and move out.  

I sympathized with Austin's parents.  They were exasperated.  Austin seemed to be a real challenge when they described the various battles they went through with him.  In my frameworks from Motivate Your Son, Austin is a Boss Boy.  (A Point 8 to those who are familiar with the Enneagram personality system.)  

There are ways to deal with Boss Boys.  I call it parental judo, using their strength against them.  My first meeting with Austin went surprisingly well.  He expected some type of lecture.  Instead, I mostly listened and kept asking him what he wanted. I think I know how Austin will progress.   He needs to feel in control. Through our work, I hope to gradually move him towards feeling in control of a positive direction.  It takes time.  But, the process works. 
  

Google "men marrying later." 

There is a plethora of articles on the subject.  Read a few.  Multiple reasons underlie the cause.  But, financial well being is the one reason every article I've read mentions.  Simply put, many young men are not in a position to start families.

Indeed, the statistic that made me move forward with writing Motivate Your Son was that 1/3 of men between 22 and 34 years old were not financially independent.  The statistic came from a census BEFORE the Great Recession.   While I've seen a variety of other statistics post-Recession, I'll refrain from citing here because we are in a turbulent economic period and the numbers are changing quarterly.  Regardless, 1/3 is on the low end.

How can men start families if they are not economically independent? 

They can't.  They will delay getting married or won't get married at all.  They will further delay fatherhood or won't have children at all. 

As I discuss in the book, the root cause for so many men lacking financial independence can be traced back to not being motivated in school.  

Since the most significant root cause for men not getting married and not having children (your grandchildren) is lack of financial independence and since the root cause of