"All my mom (or Dad) every does is nag."

So, my teen boy students tell me.  

Then, I'll meet the parents.  Almost invariably the parents seemed far nicer than the horrible nag described.   This used to surprise me.

Now, I'm not surprised because I understand the parent-teen boy dynamic far more deeply than when I started this work a few decades ago.

If you are reading this site, you have taken the time to research "how to motivate my son" or "help motivate my boy".  That means you care.  And, yet, its reasonably likely that your son thinks you are a nag.

Through the years, I have worked with many lovely people who are perceived wonderfully by most everyone except their teen sons.  The reason is that good parents take their role seriously.  Teen boys, left to their own natural ways, are not motivated to deal with the drudgery of school work, planning for college, or doing their chores.  

What is the process of getting teen boys motivated?  Telling them to do their homework, get to school on time, do their choices. Nagging.

Is there a better way?  Yes, Motivate Your Son provides my view on how to motivate. But, the process takes weeks, months, even years.  So, today, continue nagging.  Maybe tomorrow, you can apply my process!

"You are meeting me as a grown adult." I tell my students and my children.

I'm not claiming to be a finished product.  Or that either my students or my children look at me with complete reverence.  But, numerous students have commented that I've figured life out or something to the effect that I'm elevated compared to them.

"I might be wiser," I tell them. "But, only because I have 30 more years of lessons than you." 

I'll then pull a lesson from my past that relates to whatever issue we are discussing.

Recently, a 15 year old boy from Waterford, CT shared why he had been so distracted from his school work: infatuation.  He had even told his parents.  But, they each dismissed the issue as "silly."   

Infatuation is not silly for teens.  In fact, its not a trivial matter for anyone who is in it. 

In broad strokes, I told my story of freshman year romance.  I also noted that it was amazing that I can't even remember what I liked about the girl.   But, I know it wasn't silly at the time.  I also told him that his parents were young once as well and they probably had teenage crushes too.  We then discussed how he could refocus his energy when he found himself obsessing over the girl.  

A few weeks later, he was back on track.  What happened?  "I talked to my Dad, sort of man to man.  He told me about a girl he liked when he was my age.  It made me feel better."

Share your stories. 

"I don't know."

"Huh? Whatever?"

Barely audible grunt.

For parents of teen boys, these are common responses to most every question.  Talking to a teen boy is not much different than talking with a foreigner who understands English but can't articulate their thoughts.  Actually, the latter is better because usually the foreigner will at least be polite.

I found that "just being" with teens opens the door to communication.  I learned this lesson when I was at Penn Law School and served the undergraduate residential community as a Graduate Fellow.  The job was essentially a glorified residential advisor position but that's what Ivy-league schools do when they craft titles!  I had a wonderful experience and brag received great feedback from my work, in part because many students reported that they could share their thoughts about "important stuff" with me.  I brag only to share a lesson!  Students could open up to me because I made sure that I was present a lot even when I wasn't running meetings or otherwise educating the students.  (Graduate Fellows had to create educational workshops).

Not meaning to be sexist, but I played basketball with the guys and would cook meals with the women.  We just hung out a lot. Then, when students felt that they needed help, they could talk to "Daryl", not the "Graduate Fellow."


The same thing occurs with parents.  If you are only communicating as Parent to Child, then there will always be a wall.  I'm not advocating that you become friends first (above parent) with your child.  But, there should be some time where you are just hanging out together. 


You'll be surprised to discover that your son might start opening up a bit and even talking in full sentences to you!


 

How does the military take teenage wild men and turn them into soldiers? 

Think about the first part of the question - "teenage wild men".  You might have missed that as you were picturing clean shaven, in shape, soldiers marching in unison.  Those who have never seen the "before" shots of new soldiers often have the misperception that the majority of soldiers were disciplined high school students who did what they were told.  Those of you who know who makes up our armed forces are likely laughing.

Most soldiers were not college bound.  Most were not particularly good students.  Most got in some trouble because most had a lot of energy!  

The military has methods that channel that energy.  

Its not just discipline.  Its inspiration.  For country.  For the Army (or Navy/Marines). For brotherhood.

Inspiration is the answer.

If you are reading a site related to motivating your son, its highly likely that two things are true:

1.)  You are a dedicated parent

2.)  You are getting frustrated.

First, you should know that you are a good parent.  That you are here means you are searching for ways to help your boy or teen boy or young adult man!  Most parents give up.  It take a lot of energy to be a good parent. 

Second, you are frustrated that your efforts have not brought desired results.  I empathize both as a coach of parents and as a parent myself.  

The most common reaction to frustration is to give up.  Most parents hit their wits end.  "Let him fail".  "I've had enough."  "You want to be a bum, then be a bum."   I understand this too.  

"I've been trying to motivate my son for years..."  I hear this all the time.  And, then, I will sometimes hear, "I'm ready to give up."

Please don't give up.  

Here's why: I met with a family from Old Saybrook, CT several years ago.  The son - let's call him "Billy" was headed to college.  But, it was evident that he wasn't ready.  I suggested a gap year.  I don't blame the family for not heeding my advice.  I have written about gap years elsewhere and certainly understand the challenge of creating one. In any event, Billy performed as expected and everyone including Billy realized he shouldn't go back to college.

Billy was now 19.  His parents, having dealt with Billy's lack of motivation since middle school were "done".  Billy got a part-time job at Wal-Mart in Old Saybrook.  That was pretty much all he did in a productive way.  He played a lot of video-games.  He socialized with his friends who stayed local after high school.  He probably smoked a lot of pot.  Billy's parents called me a year later to catch me up on Billy's life.

Other than their semi-frequent skirmishes about Billy's lack of work ethic, they had stopped trying to seek out solutions.  I fully understood.  But, I also asked: "what do you think will happen if you don't do anything this year?" 

In my experience working with young adult men in these situations, "magic" doesn't happen all that much.  The 20 year old sitting on the coach playing video games becomes the 21 year old doing the same thing.  

Parents have to do something.  Sometimes that "something" is bringing the young man to work with our company.  But, regardless, do something.  Don't give up. 

The original title of Motivate Your Son was Raising Intensity.  I thought it was a clever play on words.  Parents raising their sons needed to raise the motivational intensity of their sons.  My more marketing savvy friend explained that no one would find the book. I'm sure he's right.  I am an educator.  He's a marketer.  Nonetheless, the issue remains: parents need to raise the motivational intensity of their teen sons.

I provide full treatment for how to do so in the book.  But, I can quickly sum up:

(1) understand the core motivational triggers for your son 

(2) learn how to communicate in a way that effectively presses those triggers 

(3) put in place structures that are naturally intensifying.  

Number one and two cannot be succinctly described.  Both require coaching.

But, number 3, putting in structures that are naturally intensifying can be done by any parent.

Here's one:  take out a stop watch.  Give your son 20 minutes to get his busy work done.  (of course, you should check it).

The surprising result is not that he'll get the work done but rather that he'll enjoy the work more.

Why?  Because his motivational intensity has been raised. 

"Why did you focus on motivational issues related specifically to teen boys?"  Most interviewers have asked me some variation of that question.  

Indeed,I had planned on writing a book on motivating teens.  But, when I reviewed my case studies, I realized that the ratio of students with motivational issues was around 9 boys to 1 girl.  I also understood that the majority of parents who called with extreme exasperation were parents of boys.

Moreover, as I thought through the issue, my experience of having been a teen boy made me far more attune to the issues faced by teen boys.  Its easier to be a coach when you've played the game.   

I also started reviewing national trends.  Girls were catching up and in most cases surpassing boys in academic achievement. AS a father of two daughters (and one son) and the husband of a wife who is finishing her doctorate, I'm all for women advancing.  But, I'd prefer to see women and men striving in equal measure.  

There was also a socio-economic factor that I thought was important. I live in what is called Shoreline, CT.  Along with the Gold Coast of Fairfield County, Connecticut and the Greater Farmington Valley in northern Connecticut, Shoreline, Connecticut is a highly affluent location within a highly affluent state.  


I'm not a home-stater bragging.  I'm from New Jersey.   While surprising to most, New Jersey actually is a very wealthy state - a lot of those 1% Wall Streeters live there but New Jersey has a far greater level of economic diversity within suburban towns.  As I note in relation to my high school, there were kids in my school who drove Porsches and kids in my school who stole Porsches.   I mention because Connecticut towns are far more homogenous.  The vast majority of families in Madison, CT are upper middle class and wealthy.  If my sample size of unmotivated teen boys was being drawn from a highly affluent community, I can only imagine how challenging this issue is for other areas of Connecticut and the rest of the state.


That's why I wrote Motivate Your Son and not Motivate Your Teen.

 

Despite its stellar reviews (currently number 1 rated show on Netflix) I had no interest in watching Breaking Bad.  But, so many of my teen boy students referenced the show that I thought I should watch.

Big warning: the show is about a high school chemistry teacher who becomes a meth cook and dealer.  I have no interest in movies/shows about drugs because I am one of those increasingly rare people who never even tried pot and I was a former criminal prosecutor so I didn't want to see any show that glamorized drug selling or use.  The reality of both is not glamourous.  

Smaller warning: the show contains graphic violence, some nudity, and the type of language that one would expect in a show about drugs.

Given the reality of today's world, most teen boys in the 16-18 year range will likely have seen and heard it all before so while I'm not encouraging that you watch the show with your teen boy, I will say that if he is already watching the show, there are a lot of lessons that can be conveyed.

The strangest lesson from a show with such a seedy premise concerns craftsmanship and commitment to excellence.  Walter White, the anti-hero, protagonist of the show, dedicates himself to the craft of cooking meth.  He produces the highest quality product on the market.  This leads to his "success" as a meth cook.  Watching him hone his craft is motivating in the same way that watching any master craftsman in action can be.  This lesson must be conveyed to teen boys.

The other positive lesson relates to business.  Mr. White becomes an astute businessman as he builds his drug dealing empire. Sales, marketing, distribution, and management lessons are all contained throughout the show.

The bigger and better lessons involve the end results.  I don't want to spoil the show.  But, bad things eventually happen to pretty much all the bad people.  I have written elsewhere about the "cost of doing business" (See the blog in Career Counseling Connecticut).  In the case of drug dealers and other bad actors, the cost usually is prison or death.

How does all of this related to teen boys?  Many have a desire to be rebellious.  Showing the end results of rebellion can be sobering.   

Hard Knocks is an HBO documentary show on preseason NFL training camp.  Each year a different team is focused.  Other than a warning to parents who do not want their teen boys to hear harsh language, I recommend watching the show with your teen boy if he is interested in sports.

Several lessons come through on every show.

1.)  Hard work is the key to success

I love that the show spends a significant amount of time focused on training.  Most teen boys only see the glory of playing before packed stadiums.  Hard Knocks shows the wind sprints, weight lifting, and practice drills.

2.) Not everyone gets a ribbon

Our schools, our communities, and parents-at-large have done a very good job at deflating the ugliness of competition.  I'm all for inclusiveness, building self-esteem, and lowering the intensity of crazed youth sports' coaches.

But, many teen boys do not seem to understand that they can't simply "sign up" to make the team or get into college or get a job. Seeing top athletes cut from the team illustrates the reality of the world.  

3.) Dealing with criticism is part of becoming a man

Watching the coaches chew out players (again - language warning!) is great for several reasons.  First, you'll have a shared laugh.  Some of the insults and the lectures are unintentionally funny.  Second, your teen boy will see how men learn to deal with criticism and third, you'll look far nicer in comparison!

Modern day video games are amazing technological marvels.

I was watching my son play FIFA soccer and for a moment I felt like I watching a televised game.

All video-games are not "stupid", which is a common parental refrain: "all my son does is play stupid video-games."

I remember really liking Space Invaders.  Comparatively, that was a stupid video-game.

I won't get into the merits and values of different video-games.  As an ex-criminal prosecutor, I'm not a particular fan of Grand Theft Auto.  And, I'm sure there are some video games that are conceptually "stupid."  I haven't played Angry Birds but I'm guessing the concept is not too high-brow.

The problem is not that video-games are stupid but simply that playing video-games makes teen boys... I won't say "stupid"... but not as smart as they could be.

Parents lead their video-game lectures with the "stupid" lecture.  Children then immediately stop listening.

I don't lead my video-game lecture to my student-clients with a comment that video-games are stupid for two reasons:

(1) rapport will instantly be broken

(2) credibility will be lost because some video-games are highly complex and thus "smart"

Instead, I use video-game playing as a perfect "opportunity to teach opportunity cost."

"Steve", a 15 year old teen boy from Essex, Connecticut came to meet with me for our Student Mastery Program. He looked at me with a dreaded expression when the subject of video game playing came up.  "I know... video-games are stupid." he said. 

"I don't think video-games are stupid.  Some are pretty incredible. Which do you play?"

Fortunately, Steve was a Madden Football video gamer so I didn't have to cringe too much about games with excessive violence or questionable moral behavior. 

I asked him some questions about the game and what sounded fun.  It genuinely sounded fun to me and I'm sure I would have enjoyed playing it when I was age. 

"How many hours do you play per week?"

"About 4"

"Honestly?"

"Ok, maybe 8."

"Honestly?!"

"All right about 20"  (2 hours a day, M-Thurs; 4 hours on Friday, 4 hours on Sat. 4 hours on Sunday)


"20 x 52 = 1040.  So you play around 1000 hours of video games a year?"


"I guess so."


I then began my soft lecture about time being a zero-sum concept.  Time you spend in one area cannot be spent on another area.  I told Steve a true story of a law school classmate who had become a black belt in a video-game focused on martial arts.  Another older and wiser classmate was a black belt in real life.  He was genuinely bewildered that someone would spend so much time "accomplishing something fake when he could be accomplishing something real."

I transitioned the discussion Steve's world.  I asked him to tell me the results of investing time into Madden football  versus practicing basketball (which was the real sport he played).  Steve seemed to readily understand.   "Oh, I guess I could get a lot better at basketball."

From there, we discussed how Steve invest time into learning the guitar (something else that interested him).  

Steve could also spend more time with his friends or build other skills.  

Steve was beginning to like the discussion about "opportunity cost".  He even laughed when I said that he could cut his video game playing to 500 hours a year (he knew that this number still seemed absurdly high!)  

When Steve really understood the concept of opportunity cost, I started to focus on his school work. 

At that point, he was ready to listen.