This is not an anti-marijuana rant.  Intellectually, I'm hard pressed to delineate why drinking should be legal but smoking marijuana should not.  When I teach a college course on Controversial Legal Issues, I usually find myself silently agreeing with the legalize pot students.  But, here's the twist, as much as I abstractly can't see delineating the difference between legalizing booze and criminalizing pot, I can't help but be ardently against pot smoking.  

This is in part due to my bias.  I grew up in a time when athletes drank and burn-outs smoked pot.  I never smoked pot and was never tempted to do.  I also was a criminal prosecutor.  But, neither is the real reason why I am so vehemently opposed to pot smoking.  The real reason stems from seeing so many teens get lost in the fog of regularly smoking pot.  

"I want to motivate my son but all I find myself doing is nagging."

The world of the freedom loving teen is tough from their perspective.  Teacher-bosses all day long in school and parent-bosses at all other times.   "Can you talk to me without nagging?" That's what is on your teen boy's mind.  Or, more precisely, "here comes the nagging, blah, blah, blah..."

I know it well.  I try not to reference my own children out of deference to their privacy.  But, I have a distinct sense when my teen son has tuned me out.  I realize during those moments that I have to catch myself and simply talk to him.

So I do.  And, I suggest that you try as well.  

Not really.

Let me explain, I am definitely not against consequences and sometimes very tough consequences.  Punishment is very effective to stop bad behavior. It does not, in my estimation, do much to encourage good behavior.

I should lead with the following: I was a criminal prosecutor in Philadelphia.  That's how I started my career.  So, I am fully versed on the need for punishment as a deterrent to prevent misdeeds.  Teen boys will stop talking back when the consequences are significant enough.  Behaviorism - the carrot and stick approach - works well at lower levels.  

You will be punished if you don't get good grades doesn't seem to work as well as positive rewards for good grades.  So, I suppose behaviorism does work reasonably well in the affirmative direction but not so much the other way.  This is based on my informal study of a couple thousand students over the years.  

Neither work as well as pushing the motivational triggers within one's core motivational pattern.     

Yes.

Or more precisely, some sense that the meaning of life or the meaning in life matters. 

I have conversations with young adults that sometimes surprise the parents of these young adults.

"Why does this matter?"  That's usually the question related to inconsequential school work.  The question sometimes leads to why does anything matter?


I engage in these conversations because it makes a difference.  The phrase "existential angst" is not limited to French novelists. Teens - perhaps especially teens - wonder why they are doing things they don't enjoy. That saps motivation.

Your faith is your business.  Whether you believe in God or intelligence in the universe or the spiritual world is similarly your business as well.  I never preach and keep my own beliefs closely guarded when I speak with young people.  

But, I do try to draw out the beliefs in my clients.  I've learned that when they care about something beyond or even if they simply think that life in the here and now matters, regardless of the hereafter, they shift their entire motivational framework.

Do you have a teen boy who has a strong personality?

So strong that he fights battles to assert control? 

Does he "go too far", as in pushing past limits that you set?

I use the term "Boss Boy" to describe teen boys who type as Enneagram Point 8s.  I describe more fully in the book.

A suggestion: watch ESPN's 30 for 30 documentary on Brian Bosworth.  If you remember "The Boz", you might recall the brash Oklahoma Sooner linebacker.  Brash is too mild.  He was a wild man.  It led to some great things.  He was a tremendous college football player.  He was an inspiring leader.  He used his energy to help his team win.  His big personality also led to some trouble.  He was suspended for taking steroids.  He wrote an autobiography that made the Sooner football program look out of control. In doing so, he alienated not just his teammates but also his coach, Barry Switzer, who was his life mentor.  There's more to the story.  But, I'll let you enjoy the full tale.


The lessons, however, stem from a now 50 year old Brian Bosworth commenting on his 18-21 year old self.  "The Boz" was not emotionally developed.  The current version of Brian Bosworth distances himself from "The Boz".  It is incredibly poignant to watch this now emotionally healthy man discuss his younger self.  He is filled with regrets for the variety of harms he caused others.  


Definitely worth watching with your son.